Monty Python's Star Wars: PART ONE
by Preacher1
Summary: A funny take on the Star Wars series. This is the first part of A NEW HOPE (for better actors), the first MOVIE!


Monty Python's Star Wars  
  
Mind you, Star Wars ™, Monty Python ™, and anything else I make reference to do not belong to me, so don't expect me to follow up any lawsuits. Unless of course, Lucasfilm finds out I'm the one who's been sending them nasty letters over the title of Episode II or the lack of ninjas in any of the four movies so far. Oops, I think I may have written too much.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE TO HIMSELF: (Darn it, you're really screwing up now, stop while you're still ahead)  
  
ON TO THE STORY!  
  
1 Episode VI: A NEW HOPE (for better actors)  
  
Luke Skywalker sat in the millennium falcon, his first time leaving the planet of Tattooine. He thought it funny to see the round orange globe floating in space. Such a mystical sight, from so far up.  
  
He had always thought Tattooine to be banana-shaped. Oh well.  
  
After R2-D2's message of distress from the princess, they were determined to save her from the perilous clutches of Darth Vader himself. Han Solo, however, didn't take too kindly to this plan of action.  
  
"We're not going to save the princess."  
  
Luke was quick to reply, "Why not?"  
  
"It's too perilous."  
  
"But she's a beautiful princess!"  
  
"Sorry, too much peril involved."  
  
Luke pleaded, "But can't we have a little peril?"  
  
"Nope, too perilous."  
  
Luke pouted and returned to the back of the ship, leaving Han to be pleased with the decision. He then steered the ship left and they flew to a nice tropical planet with hula girls, sandy beaches and those fruit-flavored drinks with the little umbrellas.  
  
That is, he would have if it were not for the large tractor beam pulling them into the Imperial forces' Death Star. The blue beam drew their ship closer and pulled it into the hull of the giant spaceship. A garrison of stormtroopers quickly marched up to the bay door and knocked. Han replied back, "Alo? Who iz it?"  
  
The stormtroopers called back, "It is us, stormtrooper squadron B, detachment team 32. Will the pilot please exit the ship immediately."  
  
Han said, "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. You see, he doesn't like fraternizing with you Imperial types."  
  
"What?, Let us in!"  
  
Han called out the door, "I don't wanna talk to you no more. I blow my nose at you, so-called storm troopers, you electric-taun taun bottom biters, Your mother was a Jawa and your father smelt of Bantha droppings!"  
  
The stormtroopers looked at each other, confused and somewhat alarmed and knocked again. "Now, see here, exit the craft immediately or we will take it by force."  
  
Han whispered to Luke, "Fetchez Le Bantha."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Fetchez Le Bantha."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Get the big furry thing."  
  
Raising their weapons, Stormtrooper A43-179 began to march towards the door, when suddenly a hatch opened from the top of the ship and a large furry bantha was launched from the open hatch towards the awaiting garrison.  
  
"RETREAT! RETREAT!"  
  
Stormtrooper after stormtrooper backed off, until they realized they were running from an aerial assault of oversized oxen. Turning they charged and were sent volley after volley of womp rat, bantha, taun-taun and even some small unidentifiable bird seen in the special edition movies added in to make people pay more for the same movie they already own. I mean it's absolutely ridiculous that they would think that people would pay an extra ten dollars to see a little-  
  
Random large unruly mob: "GET ON WITH IT!"  
  
So anyways, sneaking under the cover of livestock, Luke, Han and Chewie ventured out of the ship, while Obi-Wan went his separate way. Luke looked to the other two and decided it would be best if he took a different route. So he and his favorite Cantina band split off into an alternate corridor.  
  
1.1 THE TALE OF SIR LUKE  
  
Luke wandered down the halls as his Cantina band played behind him.  
  
"Bravely Bold, Sir Luke, flew forth from Tattooine,  
  
he was not afraid to die, oh brave, sir Luke.  
  
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,  
  
Brave, brave, brave, brave, sir Luke!  
  
He was not in the least bit scared to be blasted in the face  
  
Or to have his legs blown off, and his elbows broken  
  
To have his throat crushed by a Jedi's nasty force  
  
And his limbs all hacked by a Rancor, brave Sir Luke  
  
His ship shot down and his hand cut off  
  
And his saber broke off and his droids destroyed  
  
And his wookie bent and the force removed  
  
1.2 And his—  
  
Luke quickly interrupted, "That's enough for now, men, there's evil afoot."  
  
They marched slowly down the hall, until running into Han and Chewie!  
  
"Hey, I thought we were going to split up!"  
  
"Yes, well, we were, but then the author decided to throw in the amusing song parody."  
  
"Oh, all right then."  
  
The three continued to venture down the hall, in hopes of finding the princess. Conveniently, they came across the one corridor that brought them to the detention block center where the princess was held. And they got there in only a few seconds. That's right, the right corridor. On a moon sized space station. It takes me at least 15 minutes just to get to the grocery shop, and they can find anything they want, can't they? I mean, if these  
  
Once again, the random large unruly mob: "GET ON WITH IT!"  
  
Sorry, again.  
  
Luke and Han burst into the prison and ran to the princess's cell, soon to free her and escape the death star. What they found was a young and fair blond haired man.  
  
Han said, "All right, where's the princess?"  
  
He replied, "Oh, good, you've found my distress signal!"  
  
"Listen, there must be a mistake."  
  
"Oh, boy, I'll be free!"  
  
Han looked around confused as the young man began to exit the cell. Luke blasted in a garbage chute and the young man began to fashion a rope.  
  
"Now, this doesn't seem right."  
  
"Don't worry, we'll be out of here soon", said the fair young main in a rather feminine voice.  
  
Han gave his best look of confusion, misunderstanding and watched as Luke began to work on a plan of escape. Both viewing the garbage hatch, they got an idea and quickly severed the rope that was laying in the way.  
  
Luckily for them, the real princess was in a nearby cell, and cried for help. Blasting the door in, they formed a plan and began their amazing escape. The next part of the story is filled with bloody violence, lots of action and adventure, and some amazing sex scenes added for no apparent reason. It is really quite entertaining, amazingly exciting and completely unavailable, as the censors at fanfiction.net will not let me show it to you. So here in it's place while the action continues, is the short story of Timmy and His Pet Wampa.  
  
  
  
The sun shone bright and Timmy was happy playing with his big albino friend, the Wampa. He named his Wampa Snowflake, and he loved it very much. One day, he and his big friend decided to go to the park.  
  
"Let's play catch! I brough a ball and everything!" said Timmy, with a look of youthful joy shining on his bright little face.  
  
The Wampa replied by clawing at him, tearing him to pieces and hauling him off to his cave. He---  
  
***sorry for the last story, the writer of the story has just been sacked***  
  
Many months later, after Timmy got out of the hospital, he and his good friend, the Rancor went to the zoo to see all the wonderful animals. They saw the ducks, the womp rats, the banthas and every other animal there. Timmy decided it would be fun to buy some souvenirs and go home. The rancor thought it would be fun to eat Timmy. So –  
  
***We apologize again, the people responsible for sacking the last writer have also been sacked. Thank you for your patience, and now, the remainder of our staff, Juan Rodriguez, the night watchman who doesn't speak English, will finish off part one of the story. ***  
  
Buenos Noches, amigos y preparan para capitulo dos! Donde esta mis pantalones?  
  
(Good night, friends, and prepare for chapter two! Coming Soon! 


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